Dear Weirdo, How do I find my artistic self again?
It is totally normal to look at yourself in the mirror ten years or one year or one day after welcoming your precious child into your life and wonder "Where’d You Go?"
Dear Weirdo,
I’ve abandoned my artistic passions for yeeeeaaaaarrrsss while I carry out drudgery of domestic life and child rearing. How do I find my artistic self again?
Anonymous
God, it’s agitating to be an artist who isn’t making art, isn’t it? It feels like fucking hell.
Art is excrement. Some of us use it to process life, our feelings, our experiences, to have something to grab onto while we spin round and round the galaxy during our short, precious, confusing, demanding lifetime. If you are an artist, you need to be making art regularly or you will find yourself unwell. Elizabeth Gilbert talks about this in her book, Big Magic.
Feeling like the door has closed on the version of you that relishes in creating is devastating. For many years, I thought I’d closed that door myself. There were even times I wore that idea out loud, telling a partner or friend that I’d buried my dream and was focused now on whatever my current job or parenting style or non-profit I was volunteering for, wanted me to focus on.
I’ve never understood people who can go to work and come home, only to drink a glass of wine, watch some cable, then call it a night. I have wished that I was one of these people, thought there must be a defect I have because I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin if I don’t have a creative project in progress. If it’s possible to lobotomize or SSRI or White Claw and bong hit my way out of feeling like I NEED to be working on an art project, I’d like to know because it would be cool to feel at ease at the end of the day, instead of anxiously unaccomplished.
You need to be making your art, babe. And I am prescribing you three things to resurrect your Artistic Self. But first, I’m gonna spoil a movie for you.
Where’d You Go Bernadette is a movie starring Cate Blanchett. It’s based on a book of the same name by Maria Semple, but I’ve only seen the movie so that’s where we’re going to draw from.
Blanchette plays Bernadette Fox, a highly accomplished, MacArther Genius Grant-winning architect who has disappeared her Artistic Self into the drudgery of domestic life and child rearing. She looks like a selfish basket case (because she is one), oscillating in the world of her husband and teenage daughter and bougie, do-nothing-bitch, non-artist neighbors. She tries to make their house her new creative project, but it’s more in shambles than functional. Bernadette’s a joyless fucking mess.
Parenthood breaks us into pieces and makes us grow weird extra parts, like placentas and ideas about how we need to conform to succeed in the wild world of raising kids. New parents go through hormonal and neurological changes that never reverse, and if you’ve given birth, holy hell your nervous system is rewired to protect and care for your offspring above all else. It is totally normal to look at yourself in the mirror ten years or one year or one day after welcoming your precious child into your life and wonder “Where’d You Go?”
Bernadette disappears her Artistic Self so much that she runs away from her family, fleeing to Antarctica, only to unexpectedly find her calling there: a new creative project. When her family catches up to her, seeing her chaotic energy being used to be creatively productive instead of destructive, it’s like they’re seeing her for the first time. And guess what? They totally love her. The whole, real, messy, badass architect auteur Bernadette, who is also a wife and a mother.
Disappearing her Artistic Self in domestic life drove Bernadette crazy, but disappearing physically from her family long enough to find an outlet for her genius is what saves her. Taking space helped her find peace when she came home, and she needed her family to ride along with her in order for it all to come together so they could watch a pretty sunset at the end.
Your Artistic Self has been disappeared, my friend. But not to worry, she hasn’t gone far, even if it feels like she’s unreachable. You are going to get her back.
The three things I’m prescribing you are not quick fixes. They’re supplements that are going to nurture your Artistic Self back into being over time. You’ll see her in the mirror again, even when the kids are screaming weird little songs on the other side of the bathroom door.
The supplements are Play, A Place, and Momentum.
Play
Sorry in advance, but we have to start with a quickie lesson in neurophysiology. I know, I’m very sorry.
Also, I’m not a therapist, so my apologies in advance if there is anything here that I get wrong.
Polyvagal theory, as developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, believes that there are three states our autonomic nervous system can be in at a given time:
Ventral vagal
This is safe/social mode.
We feel calm, connected, present, curious, creative, and are open to connection with others.
Sympathetic
This is fight/flight mode.
We feel intense emotions, overwhelmed, edgy, unsafe, stress, distress and distrusting of others.
Dorsal vagal
This is freeze mode.
We feel dissociated, low, shameful, alone, depressed, numb, and hopeless.
The way to access creativity is to be in a ventral vagal state. Your letter has me wondering whether you’ve been living in a state of stress and distress, friend. All creation we make by using our bodies, and until yours is in a safe, present state, you will find it hard or impossible to Play.
Those neurological changes that happen when we become parents? Sometimes they keep us in fight/flight mode for years without us even realizing it. There are lots of really simple exercises that can help us get to ventral vagal, and you’re going to have to find some that work for you and practice them every day. Your Artistic Self will ONLY hang out with you if you’re in ventral vagal. This is how you open the door to let her back in.
You’re going to slip back into fight/flight all the time. That’s okay. A therapist may be able to help you focus on minimizing how much time you are in these states, but some of us, especially if you happen to be a trauma survivor, live in the fight/flight sympathetic state or are frozen in dorsal vagal most of our lives.
There might be varying degrees of how ventral vagal your state is, and that’s okay. It is totally normal for it to take LOTS of practice to get into this state. Aim for progress, not perfection. When you notice you’re in fight, flight, or freeze mode, gently find your way back to chill groundedness, even if it takes many days to get there.
A Place
Set up a space in your home where your art supplies live out in the open, so that you can work on projects at home when you are able to. The kids don’t get to touch them unless you give them permission. Give them their own art supplies if they keep going after yours.
I get that this is super hard for a lot of us, to take up space in our family home for our Artistic Self. I can tell you without a doubt that it is worth the effort. Give your Artistic Self A Place to Play when you are home. It can be a separate room if you are fortunate enough to have that space, or it can be in a common area. At minimum, get an Art Box or organizer, find a place for it where you can sit and work on your stuff with minimal setup.
Do not overlook this supplement, friend. Your Artistic Self’s ability to thrive is concurrent with how much time she spends Playing in A Place. Over time, invest in making this place more functional and comfortable.
Momentum
One day each week, you’re going to hire a babysitter, kiss your children goodbye on their cute little foreheads, leave your house, and work on a creative project for two hours. Go to a café or to the library, or a community center space. Start small. A single haiku. A tiny song. A mini zine. A micro essay. A 5”x7” abstract painting.
Finishing a piece of art feels amazing and once you do it, you’ll want to do it again and again. That’s what we are going for here. Your Sistine Chapel probably isn’t going to be the first thing you make, so if that’s what you’re going for, write it on a Goal List, and start with something you can finish in a few hours.
Every time you finish one of your projects, celebrate. Tell your family when you come home, share your work with them. Model to them that finishing a piece of art is something to cheer for. Thank them for being cool about you taking some time to make your stuff (even if they are not being cool about you taking some time to make your stuff).
Keep doing this, week after week, at the same time if possible. Build your creative Momentum.
If you supplement your day-to-day with these three things, I promise you that in time, you will find blossoms in the creative areas of your life that have been dormant.
Eventually, your children will grow older and this chapter in which a weekly sitter is needed will be over. A place you set up for your artistic practice will be as much a required part of your home and family’s life as your bathroom and kitchen. In a few years’ time, friend, you’ll look at each of the projects that you’ve completed in awe, because there will be some amazing, gorgeous, dope-ass things you’ve created that you don’t even remember making, but proof that you did is in your hands. These finished pieces will be your body of work.
Give your Artistic Self what she needs to exist in your present world, as part of your family, and she’ll come alive again. Let them meet your whole, real, messy, brilliant, creative, badass, Artistic Self. They might surprise you, showing you that they’ll follow you to the end of the earth.
Hugs,
Weirdo
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