Dear Weirdo, How do I get my husband to stop leaving his dirty socks around the home?
Have you considered adopting an eclipse of clothes moths?
Dear Weirdo,
How do I get my husband to stop leaving his dirty socks around the home?
Signed,
Socksick
Dearest friend, I have been mulling for weeks now over your inquiry, mostly because your brief, beautifully direct question hits very close to home.
This is a tale as old as time, babe.
Google your very own question and you will find MANY articles by folks who have prayed to the Holy Spirit, let go and let God and even quietly implemented animal training techniques on their husbands to mitigate their sock habit. As a secular person who believes that we can do better than comparing our partners to a captive animal manipulatable with treats, I cannot endorse these tactics.
There are a lot of questions I wish I could ask you:
What happens when you bring this up to him? How and how often do you bring it up?
Have you considered adopting an eclipse of clothes moths? (Fun fact: a group of moths is called an eclipse because together, they block the illumination of whatever light they are attracted to!)
How many times have you fantasized about stuffing the abandoned socks into his pillow case or simply throwing them in the trash and lighting them on FIRE?
But since we are anonymous here at Dear Weirdo, let’s start with some assumptions instead (apologies in advance if any of these are wrong):
He’s been doing this for a long time, and it’s probably an unconscious habit on his part.
You have told him, assertively and with compassion and “I” statements, that you dislike it.
You understand, despite whatever seething annoyance you have, that he does not do this to make your life worse, but to make his life slightly better, if only for the couple of moments it takes to peel two sweaty, dank-ass socks off his man feet, and tuck them into the arm of the couch, or wherever you are finding them.
You are beginning to feel (or have already begun building a wall of) resentment.
TMI time: some time back, Mister Weirdo and I did about a year of couple’s therapy. This was something I initiated in part because, like you and your partner, we clashed on space-sharing ideals. Imagine my shock as I realized our therapist was NOT going to serve as a referee in our fights, nor was he going to help me illustrate my rightness (which I had been so certain of) to my partner.
No. What actually happened was a year of guided exercises to help us empathize with one another. Confrontation became less about the dirty sock issues, and more about the Deepest Why (as in, WHY this bothers me) within each of us. As a parentified eldest daughter who grew up doing lots of caretaking for my younger siblings, for a mother who had redonk-high standards of cleanliness, I learned I have a LOT of hang ups around domestic labor that I didn’t realize were there until I married Mister Weirdo. In earlier relationships, this wasn’t as big a problem because I was in codependent, people-pleasing, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME mode.
The best thing I learned in couples therapy is that a disappointing 69% of all relationship problems are unsolvable, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman. Unsolvable!? Unsolvable?? Unsolvable.
This was devastating news to me at first, but now I feel liberated by this stat, understanding that we don’t need to (and scientifically cannot!) fix everything in our relationships.
If the dirty sock habit is something your partner continues to do, even though you have told him that you really don’t fucking like it, it might be an unsolvable issue. You can either continue building that wall of resentment, brick by brick, every time you find a sock, which may lead you to what the Gottmans refer to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, real relationship killers that can often predict divorce, or you can work on your internal reactions to the issue.
I want to say: I am totally with you on the dirty sock thing, I think you are correct that he should just learn to pick them up! Like, how can such a simple issue have us talking about Horsemen of the fucking Apocalypse?? It’s ridiculous, right???
Unfortunately, my validation of your rightness does not solve your problem, so your best bet may be to find your Deepest Why of the dirty socks thing, friend. Spend some time identifying the feelings you’re experiencing: did you feel this way in an earlier relationship? It might not be a perfect match for what you are feeling now, but sometimes relating back to a past experience can help us see our emotional roots.
Writing out your Deepest Why might help you rid it from your body some: see if you can fill two or more pages in a journal of what is coming up for you when you find your man’s dirty socks around the house.
With unsolvable problems, the best we can hope for is to change how we approach them.
I get that this may be infuriating. Straddling that line between speaking our truth (I don’t like it when you leave your socks on the floor, dude) and identifying when it’s an issue we need to work on internally is super tough, especially when many of us are unlearning the sexist, toxic practice of valuing artificial ease and peace over honesty and emotional growth via healthy conflict in our relationships.
That wall of resentment I suspect you’re building? It’s gonna hang around for a while, but to prevent you from living in a damn turret, I invite you to try picking up some other things as well (no, NOT the socks! DO NOT PICK UP HIS SOCKS!).
See if you can fill a journal page of actionable ways your husband shows he loves you. They can be little things, maybe even things that you appreciate he doesn’t do.
On the opposite page, draw a brick for each act of love you listed. What would happen if you built something with these good things too? What if, over time, you notice the different types of bricks you’re using to build your stories of this relationship?
I’m not trying to let him off the hook here, or suggest you dishonor whatever you are feeling.
Maybe if you communicate your Deepest Why to him so he understands where your frustration is coming from based on your past relationship pains, and (reframe here) let him know you appreciate him SOOOOO MUCH and feel SOOOOO LOVED by him when he puts his dirty socks in the hamper, he might remember to do it more often. Progress is greater than perfection (because perfection isn’t real)!
Regardless of what he does or doesn’t do, you get to choose how you deal with your feelings around his habits, and what the castle you’re building around your relationship looks like. Invite him in and show him around: let him know what you enjoy about being his partner, the things he does you’re grateful for, and what has been really hard for you in sharing space with him.
Offer to listen to his Deepest Whys of anything you are doing that similarly skeeves him out. Being able to hear each other’s grievances with calm nervous systems, still open to love despite disagreement, are how we grow in partnerships, and for some of us, how we heal from past ones.
I sincerely hope you’re both willing to keep building your castles of love, Socksick. Even if there’s still some rogue dirty socks lying around them.
Hugs,
Weirdo
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